6th June '08

Where has the time gone since I last updated everyone, certainly it doesn't seem like three weeks! For the first time in ages I feel like I have a little control back in my life, not a lot you understand, but just a glimmer of hope.

After my last session of chemo I was really wiped out, I think that the previous cycle had knocked me so badly that I'd not really had a chance to get back on my feet, so the next cycle really floored me. This was compounded by some unexpected news from my chemo nurses that I wasn't scheduled for any more chemo. Despite how horrible chemo makes you feel, it's a safety net, and without it, I felt very much adrift without a direction, or should that be up a creek without a paddle!

It took me a whole week, and a fair amount of persistance & tenacity to get a straight answer from my oncologist, who finally conceeded that further chemo probably wasn't in my best interests and that we should plan for surgery as soon as my blood results were back to normal. An appointment with the surgeon was booked for 4th June, with the expectation of surgery on either 9th or 10th.

Some people might be frightened by the idea of major surgery, but I felt my spirits lift considerably. Call me strange (most people do), but not getting rid of the tumour when I was first diagnosed was one of the hardest things to accept. Knowing that you have a huge & aggressive tumour is tough enough to deal with, but being told you have to live with it for another four months is even harder, so getting a plan for surgery was at least a step in the right direction.

With a provisonal date in mind, we made plans for some additional childcare, and tried to consider all the things that would need managing & juggling over the next month or so whilst I would be out of action. It's hard when you're a Mum, and anticipating not being able to give your own baby a cuddle or even carry them down the stairs, but at least I know it won't be forever. One of our plans was to call on our parents for help, and thankfully my Mum lives close by and knows the children routines very well and Russell's parents were also keen to help. They were busy making plans for the journey from Wales when disaster struck on the form of chickenpox! The day before my meeting with the surgeon we had to rapidly rethink our options, as neither of the children had had chickenpox, & it wasn't something I wanted to expose myself to either (at the time of writing Reg is still spotty, and hopefully Shirley hasn't caught it, but time will tell).

The 4th was always going to be a tough day, when we would finally discuss the surgical options. It was all made harder by our usually childminder being unwell all week, and leaving us needing my Mum to juggle the children whilst Russell & I went to the hospital. The visit turned out to be anything but how we'd imagined. They were in agreement that surgery was my best option, but couldn't give me a date,. To say I was gutted was a massive understatement, and I felt as bad as when I was first diagnosed. What they did agree was that I should have a pre-op assessment the next morning, which of course necessitated rescheduling my herceptin to the afternoon, oh to be so in demand!

The 5th started better that the 4th had finished, when I was given my pre-assessmentr check, and a surgical date, 12th June with admission at 11.45.

The next week I'm sure I'm going to be riding a rollercoaster of emotions. There is part of my that's euphoric to be finally getting rid of my unwanted squatter, but equally gutted that all my pretty underwear probably will never fit again. For those that want the nitty-gritty, I'll be having a modified radical mastectomy with axillary clearance, and will be in Milton Keynes General for about a week. I'll be staying on the Ambulatory Care Unit, in the Treatment Centre, and have been told I'll be having a side room (maybe they've heard I'm trouble)! Visitors are always welcome (3-5pm & 7-8pm), but it's probably worth checking with Russell to be sure I'm back to my usual smiley self first.

In the midst of all this, I heard yesterday that a very dear friend has also been diagnosed with this hateful disease and will also be joining me as a Cancer Fighter, I'm sending you my love and prayers, and will talk when you're ready and have time, (you know who you are, xXx).