Hello Auntie, how's your Cancer?

3rd April 08

... and my lump is getting bigger again, so chemo was cancelled today , and probably for the first time I am really quite scared.

My oncologist has transfered my care to Northampton, which is our regional centre, and I'll start on a different kind of treatment tomorrow afternoon.

I've been warned that this regime will be tougher than the last, and I kind of find that reassuring to be honest. I'm working on the idea that if I'm feeling bad, the cancer is feeling even worse.

My new motto today (borrowed from a book I'm reading) is,
I'm not a cancer sufferer (I've never suffered anything quietly ), I'm a cancer FIGHTER!

Let the next battle begin.

2nd April 08

I can't believe that it's been over two weeks since I updated everyone, and what a busy couple of weeks it's been.

My last chemo went as well as I could expect. To be very honest I thought that I'd be feel far worse, but have managed to get away with just nausea & overwelming tiredness. I think the hardest thing is the feeling of coming down after the steroids which makes me feel very down in the dumps.

Freya is coming on in leaps and bounds and seems to accept the regular visits from the health visitor and district nurse, where as I feel like someone receiving care in the community! When they arrive she finds her "nurse kit" and ably assists them. I must remind her that healthcare never did pay very well.

My syrup finally got an outing in readiness for wearing at a wedding in a few weeks, and I was quite suprised that I didn't feel more uncomfortable, and if anything just a little hot. The evening was lightened a little by a small friend of mine greeting me with the words, "Nice wig!". It certainly broke the ice for the adults.

My toughest challenge at the moment seems to be keeping my Hickman line working. Every Wednesday my lovely district nurse, Joanne, visits to re-dress and flush my line, and I can see the dispair as soon as she arrives. This is only compounded by the fact that taking blood from my veins, really is like getting blood from a stone. Every time the line blocks it means a trip off to the hospital for it to be re-checked and unblocked. Funnily it's these little things which upset me more than anything, the big things I can manage.

My crisis for this week is that the site of my bone scan injection from a month ago has flared up and become inflamed, so Monday saw me in the phone queue for the doctors, who's answering machine was still on GMT whilst the rest of the UK was on BST. When I eventually saw the doctor he decided I have flea-bite-us, well actually phebitis which is inflamation of a vein. This wouldn't usually be too much of a worry, but in my compromised state I am now happily throwing antibiotics down my neck four times a day along with all my other pills and potions.

We had a tough day yesterday as it was the funeral of Russell's cousin. Adrian sadly died over Easter at only 37 years from throat cancer. It was hard for everyone to lose someone they loved at such a young age, but I was heartened to see that he was so well loved with a congregation of well over a hundred celebrating his all too short life. For me, it reminded me how hard my fight could be, which was leveling, but I got lots of hugs and words of encouragement which was lovely.

Well, another cycle starts tomorrow, as I receive the last dose of my FEC chemotherapy, and I'll be half was through my treatment.

Onwards and upwards I say!

13th March 08

... and none of them are showing any signs of nasty growths so I am massively relieved! Probably far more relieved than I realised I would be, as I'd tried not to consider my options if things had been different and the cancer had already spread.

The other good news is that the urokinase worked it's magic and bought my line back to life, so chemo went ahead as planned today. Two down, four to go.

I had a lovely visit to my GP today for another sick certificate and saw the doctor who first sent me off to the breast clinic. He was so unbelievably upset at the outcome, and I was at such pains to express my pleasure that he'd taken me seriously rather than just treating it as a case of mastitis. When I came to leave the consulting room, he stood up and hugged me, and nearly made me cry. On days like today I believe that the NHS is a great place.

The irony for today happened in Boots while I was doing a (little more) retail therapy while waiting for my prescription to be filled. As I paid for my shopping, a collection of baby food, for Morgan and a baby toothbrush for me, the kind lady presented me with a voucher for spending over five pounds. The voucher was for two pounds off haircare, this actually made me laugh out loud as a few weeks ago I'd have scuttled off to treat myself to some over-priced, beautifully packaged shampoo. The assistant must have thought me mad.

A quick follow-up from yesterday about the M&S debacle. I rang their complaints line and explained my concerns about the quality of service, and they will get back to me ... but I won't hold my breath!

12th March 08

I've had a generally quiet few days, mainly because I've had such hideous ulcers I could hardly talk. Not only were they in my mouth, and on my lips, but the inside of my nose too. Now that really was novel!

I took delivery of my rather fetching wig, and managed to have all of my hair shaved off rather than looking like a crazy lady with patchy hair. To be honest, the lack of hair isn't bothering me except my head is feeling the chill. Horray for funky hats, as I suspect the wig will never leave the house!

After a week holed up at home making sure that I didn't get sick or pick up bugs whilst my blood count was low, I had a visit from the district nurse today to check my line and send some blood off to the lab to check I'm well enough for chemo tomorrow.

Joanne, my DN is really lovely, and very down to earth, but today she was supervised by an assessor which cramped our usual banter. After trying unsucessfully for ten minutes to draw any blood from my line she sent me off to the hospital. Diagnosis? not leaves, but clots on the line!

The staff were great and tried every which way to make my line work, but there really was no way they could get blood from it, so they injected it with a clot-busting drug and will see me again tomorrow in a hope it'll be working by then.

To compensate for my impromptu visit to MK Gneral, I treated myself to a little retail therapy. Nothing too special, just bits for comfy lounging when I'm not feeling great but for the first time I really felt a bit vulnerable.

I'd collected together a pile of goodies in M&S and headed to the changing room with Morgan in his pushchair to try them on. I was greeted by a sour faced lady who gave me a ticking off for having too many items. As she pointed me towards a timy cubicle too small for me & the buggy, I asked if I might use the larger disabled changing room. Her reply was that I could use a cubicle down the end and leave the door open & Morgan outside! At this point I slipped off my trendy cap, exposing my very bald & shiny head and asked again. She nearly fell over herself trying to get me there as quickly as possible and out of view.

I'm far more apprehensive this time about having my chemo. Partly because last time I didn't have any time to worry, but also because this time I know what's in store.

By this time tomorrow I'll (hopefully) be a third of my way through my chemo course. Whatever is in store, none of us know, but for now I'm enjoying every day that comes along. And will be looking out for the M&S lady next time I'm shopping!

4th March 08

Well another week has gone by, and I'm another week nearer to my next chemo. It seems amazing that the time can pass so quickly & yet so slowly. I used to measure my life by paydays (don't we all), but now it's chemo doses, how life changes!

Yesterday, completed the last of my battery of tests to check that the cancer hasn't spread futher than my breast. I was booked for a nuclear imagining scan of my bones at Northampton, but because of the nature of the scan it meant I needed to leave the children at home with Russell. It's the first time I've ever left Morgan, and the first time Russell has had them on his own. Thankfully, they all survived unscathed!

The scan was tedious rather than anything else, but it was challenging for the staff as it took them three attempts to get access for my injection. I had been warned it would take about half an hour for the pictures to be taken, but when I'd been there more than an hour I think I was getting as twitchy as the people in the waiting room. It'll be at least another week before my results are through, but once they are hopefully we can move on with beating this.

Today my head & my hair started to part company. All the books said it would start after ten days, and today was day twelve so I guess I've done pretty well. I decided to bite the bullet. and rather than ending up with a patchy comb-over I've gone for the Sinead O'Connor skinhead, with a rather fetching number two crop.

My hairdresser was lovely, and did my haircut at home which helped me with adjusting to my new style. Freya was suprisingly unbothered by her Mummy with a suedehead, and thankfully didn't ask to copy it.

Tomorrow brings the district nurse to flush my line, and on Thursday I become the proud owner of The Wig, so watch this space.

27th Feb 08

Sorry for not being around so much for the last week, but my days seem to be littered with hospital appointments and scans at the moment.

Six days after having my first chemo I can honestly say I am feeling far better than I anticipated. The sickness has mostly gone, and only the nasty heartburn remains. The tiredness is another matter, but nothing I can't manage with an afternoon nap.

Yesterday, I had the exciting chance of meeting the orthotics officer ... or more appropriately the Wig Lady! In fact she should have been called the Bag Lady as her personal appearance did nothing to dispell my feelings of unease about choosing a wig.
The wigs were all curled up in their dusty boxes on a shelf, and when they were unceremoniously dumped on my head I can only say most looked akin to dead animals rather than fashion accessories!
Thankfully I'd taken Mum along with me, and her honesty helped me make a decision. I've chosen a rather fetching ash-blonde cropped number, so not unlike my normal hair, whether or not I'll actually wear it remains to be seen, but at least I have the option.

Today was my appointment for a second opinion at The Royal Marsden in London, and the treatment there was second to none in their approach to my care, so I am glad we made the lengthy trip to see them. It was also helped by the rather dishy eye candy!

The news unfortunately was rather mixed.
The specialist team have agreed that with just a few minor adjustments the treatment I've already been offered is most appropriate. I'll be given Herceptin for a year & Tamoxifen for five years (both of these are cancer drugs that until recently women had to fight to get, so I'm very lucky), which will help reduce the risk of the cancer recurring.
The bad news is that my cancer has been graded as Grade 3, and staged as Stage 3. This means that it is the most agressive & virulent type of cancer and that it is most far spread, without actually having secondary tumors.
This news has rocked me a little, although if I'm honest I suspected as much, and am just very thankful that it hasn't spread as this would have changed my prognosis significantly.

Despite the rollercoaster we've been on this last few weeks I'm determined to stay positive and strong, as I firmly believe that my sheer stubborness & sense of humour are my ultimate allies.

21st Feb 08

a bit like being pregnant really , but this time I can blame my chemo!

I've had the busiest day ever, and am now home and slightly euphoric in having made the first step.

My Hickman line was quickly inserted into my heart to deliver my drugs and I managed to get back to the ward and have my chemo before I needed to go off for my MRI which reduced all the waiting time. I've been plyed with hospital food plus chocolate biscuits which are apparently de rigure in chemo units.

My nausea is under control with industrial doses of anti-sickness meds & steroids, and I'm hoping that things stay this way for the next few days.

I need my line checking every Wednesday, and my blood checking the day before my next chemo which is in three weeks.

20th Feb 08

Well the news today was very positive.

My greatest fear was that the cancer had already spread, and thankfully, although it has spread as far as my lymph system it doesn't appear to have gone any further. The tumor is huge (12cm x 12cm), and is pretty agressive but is beatable and I've been prescribed industrial chemotherapy to help.

I've had some strange tingling in my left arm, so they'll be doing an MRI scan tomorrow to be sure there's nothing (unusual) in my brain, and they'll be doing a bone scan a week on Wednesday.

Tomorrow morning I'll be admitted for them to insert a line into my heart for my drugs at 9am, I'll have my brain scan at 3pm and get my first dose of chemo at 5pm.

Bring It On!

I'll be having my chemo on three weekly cycles, for six cycles followed by a mastectomy and eventually radiotherapy, so I'll be getting my monies worth from the NHS this year.

I'm expecting to feel rather sorry for myself for a few days, but will be back to usual as soon as possible. My next concern is telling Russell's parents who've been away in Oz for six weeks (and know nothing) and will be arriving with us on Saturday.

19th Feb 08

I am fed up of waiting, it's like waiting for Christmas. I want to go to bed now, and wake up at 8am tomorrow.

Much as I'm not looking forward to getting my results, I want to move on with the rest of my life and beating the bloody thing.

I've spent a lovely day with Lizzy Lou, Chase, Ellie, Freya & Morgan. Mum is here now and will help with practical things tomorrow, but I just want this evening over as I'm getting more & more grumpy, stressed and unreasonable!

Arrrgggghhhh!

18th Feb 08

Just thought I'd update you on today's mammogram.

The scan was not the most pleasant thing in the world, but for sure it wasn't the worst. The staff were lovely and I was seen on time which really does help.

There was just one down-side, as that was nearly blinding the radiographer ... with breastmilk!

Despite stopping feeding after Wednesday's appointment I'm obviously still making a fair bit of milk. By the time I'd been man-handled (literally ) and had my boobies squashed between two plastic plates they're was a proper fountain going on. Apparently it's not the kind of thing they usually have to deal with!

I spent a great afternoon with friends, and have talked my GP into refering me to The Royal Marsden for a second opinion, so that I can be sure I'm getting the best and most up-to-date opinions on my treatment.

Tomorrow I'm spending the day with Liz, my sister, and her two children ... and D day is only 39 hours away!